On Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a holiday that causes me equal parts joy and extreme discomfort. I love being a mother...every part of it has changed me; mostly for the better. But its this holiday that makes me squirm. People all around my life are posting cute pictures of them with their mother, telling sweet memories and stories of childhood. That is wonderful, and I am glad with them that they experienced that love and can look back fondly.

We can't all look back on childhood with fondness, however. Some of us are just 100% relieved that we are grown and those years are passed. Some of us have no pictures to post, no anecdotes to share. Some of us have a hard time even turning onto the card isle this time of year. To honor that which has brought so much pain, judgement, and heartache into my life...that is a hard task to accomplish, for certain.

I know some people will try to tell me that I should "honor my parents while they are here on earth". Should I? Is it ALWAYS the "right" thing to do? To gloss over the years of pain and hurt for the sake of.... ?

I know some people will tell me I need to heal more, that I need to give all of this over to the Lord, and trust that He will help my heart be whole, and that I can love others despite their words, actions, and opinions.

The thing is, I communicate with Him regularly regarding this subject. I pray for love to grow, and for pain to lessen. I'm doing my part, and giving Him my heart. He has done much; I have grown as a parent...I've got more confidence that I can do this "mom" gig successfully moreso than I did a year ago. But healing is a step by step process, a daily commitment to become something different than I used to be, to let go of fear, hurt, anger, pride, insecurity, and the harsh words that seem to hang on and linger no matter how fast I run in the opposite direction. Healing is messy. It cannot be glossed over, it has to be REAL.

In this season of my life, healing does not mean I must be present and celebrating because a calendar tells me so. Right in this moment, healing looks like spending every moment I can with my own little ones, curbing my own words and actions so that their memories are worlds more positive than my own. Right now, healing looks like being a mother, and looking forward, not backward.

As I said, I am extremely glad for all my friends who will be able to hug their mothers tomorrow, to take them out to eat, present the perfect Hallmark card, and enjoy an afternoon of laughter, tears and love.

 Celebrating what motherhood should look like is very important.

 Please just try and remember in the midst of your holiday that there are those whose experience differed drastically. There are those who are doing all we can to smile through the day and step by step recover from the past. Pray for us, that our futures, and our sons' and daughters' futures, may be brighter and that one day Mother's Day will look like we've always hoped it would; with the renewal and change we reap from what we sow with our own babies now. 

Happy Mother's Day, from our herd to yours.

Some Days

Some days you just know its not "your" day, you know??  today is one of those days!

 last week i woke in the middle of the night from a not-so-great dream and my body felt like it had been taken over by aliens. the room was spinning, i was certain i would be sick all over the floor if i tried to move from the bed, i was hot and sweating. NOT a pretty picture, i assure you. i woke my husband, and he helped me out of bed. i tried for a long time to get back to sleep, and when i finally succeeded, i woke feeling exactly the same.

Plus, now my eyes were having tremors. I was officially. freaked. out. !!

Hubby scrambled to get childcare (thanks to his dad and wonderful grandmother for sitting with the elephants!) and we were off to the doctor.
The walk-in clinic recognized they were in over their head. we called and got an open slot at an ENT my hubby knows from years ago.

After a looooooong very doctor-officish wait, a hearing test, and a quick eye exam, the doctor diagnosed me with "Labryinthitis" also known as inflammation of the inner ear, causing extreme vertigo problems with side effects of eye tremors and nausea. yep, that was me.
my response?
"thanks, David Bowe".
blank stare from the doctor.
oops, guess he was in the throws of medical school during the 80's and missed the movie. (is that possible?)
anyway, the REASON today is not my day, is because i am simple NOT
myself.
the treatment for labryinthitis is a month's worth of steroids (for the inflammation) and a month of anti-vertigo meds.
side-effects?
ooooh, you betchya.
steroids cause extreme mood swings (think pregnancy and times it by 20) extreme hunger (ALL THE TIME!) the computer looks like it would be tasty with the right kind of spicy mustard....
and a sense of extreme energy, with difficulty sleeping.
(I was up til past midnight last night, pinteresting and lesson planning!)
the anti-vertigo meds cause extreme sleepiness, and slight nausea, but are actually helping ALOT with the horrible dizziness.
Not to say that it's gone, just lessened somewhat.

today is NOT my day, simply because i am NOT "myself" i am the steroided hyper/moody/ravenous/sleepy/exhausted/nauseous/ didisaymoody? version of who i normally am.
mix that with two little ones with post-easter sugar highs and a concentration level of zero for any of my (carefully thought out and excitedly planned) homeschool ideas for the day, and you get a recipe for a dizzy disaster.

today is NOT my day.
BE ended up doing a stack of worksheets, on his own, and i checked his work. (after i cried over pinterest home and fashion pages waiting for him to finish). GOOD NIGHT! i really, really do NOT like these feelings, nor the meds that contribute to them.
But, as i cross one more day off my calendar (where i have meticulously written out my doses to keep up with the meds) i know i am one day closer to "normal" and having this behind me. and i know each day, as the world still spins around me, and as the kids still have that special sorta cute but really makes me want to douse them in salsa and eat them attitude about them, i KNOW that there is one steady rock that i can cling to. a shelter in the time of storm.

jesus, thank you that you have risen, you are present, you are with me, and you are still holding me. even if bacon sounds awesome for my mouth but spells trouble for my thighs. even if my kids are driving me nuts and all i want to do is cry. (wow, that could be just about the worst mommy-sounding worship song ever!)

still He is Risen, still He is faithful, still He accepts me just as i am.
he will see me through this, till the Labryinthitis is gone from my body and the meds are finally flushed out...
and i am thankful for that.
I am clinging to that.
Even so, i doubt i will EVER want to watch the movie again in my life.
thanks, David Bowe.

simplify

in thinking about a new year coming up, i realise that i need to simplify. i want to wipe the slate clean and start fresh.... ive got so many irons in the fire, and so many responsibilities right now, its hard to keep track of my days sometimes.
January brings a new year, and new challenges. what will i be committed to? what do i need to let go?
i'm tenatively starting a small business (tupperware consultant.. i said it was SMALL! lol). but i dont know if i should pursue it or let it go. it could majorly subtract family time in my week, and that is not something i am ever willing to sacrifice...
teaching sunday school is very iffy for next year. the church has changed up the sunday schedule, and the idea of being there from 8 a.m. til 12 then turning around and being there from 4p.m. till 7:30 is... well, its no day of "rest" that is for sure.
my weekly Bible Study is getting more difficult to make it to each week, and with hubby out of a job, i wonder if driving across town each wednesday is worth the gas money we dont have, and then i have added volunteer babysitting for them once a month, since, you know, "I'm not doing anything"...
the doctor appointments once a week keeping me running... and i know those have to stop in January whether I need them or not. no insurance+united states health care system= can't afford it on our own....
Pink Elephant has to quit preschool... there is no $$ for it, now. so that will give me two elephants home, 7 days a week, looking to me to fill the time, and educate them.
oh yes, and there is the "small amont of time" (haha) homeschooling 5 days a week...
all of these things are pulling at me, making me busier and pressed for time, and even grumpy!
what is a mama elephant to do?
oh my goodness, what is wrong with me???
somewhere in the middle of all this rehashing of schedule and woe, i forgot the most important element, the key ingredient... HOPE.
where do i get that hope?
"I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? my help comes from the LORD, the maker of Heaven and Earth."
where do i get hope? from the ONE who gives me help!
i am not doing all these things on my own. i am not facing the unknown of unemployment, uninsured kids all on my own. i am not alone. i am held by the creator, the maker of heaven and earth. he will help me. and knowing i am held in the palm of his hand, i have hope.
i know January is rushing headlong to meet me.... and that life is changing at a lightening fast pace for me and the elephant herd. but i know that the things which HE has called me to will be made clear, and the doors HE wants to open will be open and no one or nothing will be able to shut them. i know the ONE who gives me hope for each and every day, for every minute of every activity i find myself involved in. i know HE will show me where my dedication and my commitment should be.
but where does my calling lay?
here with "hearth and home"... or "herd and home" in my case..
my two precious, growing elephants. they are my calling in life.
the rest is all "peanuts" to me... and i know the Father will help me figure it out.
and with his reassurance, i have HOPE.

Battle of the Needles

It's on, my little green plastic enemies.
Battle of the needles, 2011, has begun...
Daddy Elephant and I put up the Christmas tree yesterday... and out they marched.
The thousands.. tens of thousands... of  1 inch, jolly green static-cling-enabled carpet huggers.
They swarmed from the box, desperate to hide inside my living room.
i think they have contests to see who can "stick around" the longest.
Daddy Elephant vacuumed everything up last night... but i am dead certain that there are "die-hard" troops in carpet foxholes laying in wait for my groans during housecleaning, long after the tree has been tucked away and warm weather has returned.
i think the record holding needle from Christmas 2010 was the single green goblin i found in september... really, needle, september??
ugh!!
I am certain that the parade of the greenery will be a constant battle this season, as not only are the two little elephants touching all over the shrub, but the felines are getting curious and reckless already.
I'm half expecting to hear the tree come crashing down overnight any day now.
Maybe then all excess needles will relinquish their hold on the tree, and i can vacuum them all away... maybe there wont be a grand war with multiple battles this Christmas season.... yeah, right. who am i kidding? I'm already steeling myself to find those rouge pointed soldiers come July.... beware my little friends, i've got a hoover and im not afraid to use it!!

The Winds of Change

The winds of change, they are a-blowin' around here. as i write, my hubby elephant is off at his new job. i am certain he is loving it, even though his feet are bound to be tired when he makes it home late tonight.
i am glad for him, getting to be even one small part of something that is a passion in his life. i will always be proud of my husband, and i will always believe that he is a great leader of our herd, able to make wise decisions and to find a way to support me and the little elephants.
thank you, lord, for such a wonderful mate!
its almost over, 2011. oh, we have a few weeks, but the whole year has flown by so fast, it feels like tomorrow i will wake up to new year's eve. with the end of a year, you start to think back over the last few months. and i've been doing alot of thinking. maybe too much. but i see how every major area of our lives has been disrupted in the past 3 months, and i also see a lot, a LOT of changes dead-ahead for this herd. i'm over the "fear and trembling" stage of the change. i'm onto the "hopeful and excited" stage, now. you see, if life has taught me anything (and i think its taught me a few lessons here and there, most of which were cruel and hard-won but worth it) it's that immediately after the winds of change die down, this thing called hope begins to grow. and not so immediately, sometimes even years later, this thing called "hind-sight" comes into play. the pieces fall together, and you can clearly see the PURPOSE for the shifting changes in life.
change is not always pleasant, but it is very necessary for growth. the LORD knows what he is doing, even if i do not understand it.
I'm relying heavily upon "trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own UNDERSTANDING. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and HE shall direct thy path." proverbs 3:5-6
I may not understand NOW the reasons, but i know the faithfulness of the ONE who is leading the way. i know HE is directing the path for this herd. and i know along the way there are road blocks and bumps, voices of disagreement and waves of doubt that will try to waylay us.
But i know he who has called us to this path is faithful, and he will guard his own.
so, change?? Bring it on! :)

nightmares

my elephants are currently 3 and 4. they are of the age when nighttime is a toss-up. in the last month, someone has cried out nearly every night, almost always because of "bad dreams". as i type this, there is a short blonde beauty dozing in my lap, after yet another "bad dream". I do not know if its just the time of year (even Super Why has Halloween themes right now) or if its just a phase that happened to hit us in October. We are generally really careful about what they are exposed to television and media-wise.
all that to say, its been a nightmare festival around here lately for the poor elephants.
I know right now that i can draw them up into my arms and cradle, rock, cuddle and sing away these nightmares for my elephants. In the morning, the world is right again, and its time to play. the shadows of the night are forgotten.
Its the nightmares of life that i know i am almost powerless to protect my elephants against that keep ME up at night.
what about my kids being bullied? what about my daughter's self-esteem? what about thier choices regarding drugs and sex?
oh they are so little right now, why worry about those things?
if you are a parent, you have worried about them, too.
what if they get married and it ends in a messy divorce and they are heartbroken?
what if they reject the ideals of Christianity we are raising them to embrace?
what if they are in a horrible car accident and are permanently injured?
what if? what if? NOT MY CHILD...
but, what if?
what if the nightmares that we fear for our children really do come to pass?
what will we do?
what will I do?
what would you do?
thank God there is hope for us to have peace in Jesus Christ!
HE is the one who will keep us in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Him.
I do not have to worry about the nightmare list of "what ifs" for my children, because I know the Lord is watching over them both.
I know I cannot prevent anything from happening to them.
But i know that if and when it does, i am not going to walk through it alone.
when both my elephants were just weeks old, they were dedicated to the Lord.
No, thats not salvation for them, that is their own choice to make. (but this is not a theology lesson).
when Daddy Elephant and i dedicated our children, we made the commitment that their lives were in His Hands. He knows what is going to happen to those elephants, we don't. We are just along for the ride, so to speak.
If and when the nightmares of life happen to our children, I know the first place i can turn is the my Abba Father, and ask Him to please pick us up in His strong arms and rock us, fill us with His comfort.
But for now, i will take holding PE in my arms and rocking, bringing an innocent lovely one peace that all is well.
He is in control.
All is well.

friends

it helps in life to have great friends. and i am so very, very thankful for the wonderful ones that i can call my own.
there are some people who are meant to be in your life, because the Lord knew before you were born that you would need them. they are the ones who always listen, always give a needed hug, who are ready with a word of encouragement and are willing to admonish you if you need it. they are not ashamed of you, will stand up and call you a friend to the world, and will stand by you when the world tears you down.
i am blessed, very blessed, to have these kinds of friends in my life.
because they more than make up for the pushing and shoving and judging this world hands out.
i am very, very thankful for real, authentic, life-long friends.
without them, it would be easy to give into the idea that what i do and who i am is not important. good friends are a reminder that i am valued, i am loved, and i am appreciated. respected, even. and that, my real friends, is refreshing.
if you are my real friend, you know this shout-out is for you. i got your back, and you've got mine. thanks, buddy! <3

Pulled At

I feel very tugged upon, lately, and I don't know if that is a good thing. Oh, not from the Lord. When He does it, it always ends up being a good thing. I mean from other people in my life, and from expectations and desires for me and how I spend my time. I am involved in alot, I admit. I didn't really think it was "too much" until just recently. Maybe its a by-product of the homeschooling, how more of my day has to be focused on certain things than it used to be.... perhaps I just have to learn to even out my juggle with this extra ball in my hands. Perhaps I should give it more time to adjust.
We are making alot of important decisions for the health and future of our Elephant family, and I would honestly appreciate any prayers you can find time to say on our behalf. Things are just tough all the way around... hard choices to make and stick to, and necessary changes to see through to the end. Some of it eases tension, some of it increases more.
But the more I think about where life has me lately, the more I just desire to simplify. Maybe I am over-committed, I don't know. Maybe I just need to drop a couple balls here and there to make things less rocky.
I just know I don't like to feel the pull of other people's ideas of how I should spend my time, and what should fill my days. My number one "job" is my children (notice I did not say "focus" that is Jesus) so I know I have to do my utmost to be committed to them above any other activity.
Which leaves the choice of whether or not to have any purposeful "me" elements to my life. I know the whole "take time for stuff you enjoy" mantra. And I do try to. Yet it does seem that theres a definite squeeze on how much time I have for anything "for me"... I am willing to give up alot of "me" things, activities,and time for my children.
Its not like ignoring my husband. I make it a POINT to spend time with him daily.We are growing closer each day. But less of "me" and more of "us" and "them" is a fair trade off for me. When the kids are grown, I will still be here, waiting for "me" to catch up, after all.
 Maybe I just need to have a bit more self sacrifice...

when I grow up...

When I grow up, I want to be just the way I am. Okay, maybe like 500lbs lighter than me. With better teeth. But, other than that, I want to be like.... me. Shocking? Maybe. Now that I am old (insert eye rolling for those older than me that keep telling me I am young, yet).. I realize that I am who I am, and doggone it, this is just me.
I find I am alot like the coconut. NO stop the "nuts" jokes now, people. Ahem, as I was saying, I find I am alot like the coconut. Have you ever met anyone who thinks coconut is "just okay"? Nope, me neither. Either you really like it, find it delightful and enjoy it, or you think its gross, annoying and gets stuck in your teeth.
I find to the rest of the people in this world, I am alot like the coconut.
That Bonny girl? (oh, OKAY... "lady"..) Yeah, she's just weird. I don't understand her. She's too loud. What a strange sense of humor. I don't like her. She's too opinionated. She's just harsh.
Oh! Bonny? Yes, I LOVE her, she's such a sweetheart! Gives the best hugs... so friendly, always looking to help out.
Where or when have I ever met anyone who has said "Bonny is alright. I think of her as a pretty nice girl, she seems okay."  ??
I've been told I am "extreme"... (hey, I've also been told I'm mentally ill... no, really, they were mean enough to really mean that!) that I just dont have a middle of the road kind of personality.
Well, I find this to be true. But I'd like to know this...
What is so doggone terrible about being somebody who lives life with passion?
When I have reason to rejoice, I rejoice. I can cry at things that make my heart swell with happiness.
When I have reason to mourn, I mourn. I can cry at things that deeply hurt my heart.
I move through my life with genuine, deep emotion. When things are good, they are very very good. When they are bad, typically, they ARE horrid.
What is so incrediably noble about the art of a "fake smile" in a situation? What's to be admired about hiding out and crying only in secret?
Are we not to be who we are? When did being yourself, for the world to see, become undesireable?
Transparency has a tendancy to make other people uncomfortable. I get that. So, since I do not cover my life with a "front" or a "mask" I guess that is why I make some people incrediably uncomfortable.
Will I be changing who I am or how I go through my life for the sake of a handful of people who "just don't understand me"?? Uh... nope.
When I grow up, I want to live life to the fullest. I want to be able to look you in the eye when you ask me how I am and tell you 'Life is wonderful!" if it IS. Or, "Life is really hard right now, and I am struggling." If I AM! When I grow up I want to be genuine. I want to be transparent. I don't ever want to be afraid to "feel".
If I have offended you, then you are probably among those who just dont get me as a person. I'm sorry. :)
But as I grow up, I am gonna keep the personality that I was blessed with, and I am gonna be me. After all, if I were trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ Jesus. It is my aim to let my life and actions please Him above all else. :) 
Whenever I see that I am a coconut, I remember that Christ is like one too... Jesus? Yeah, you either adore Him or you can't stand Him.

The end of my youth??

Tomorrow I am turning 30. 
Wince.
Sob.
Sigh.
Accept.
Tomorrow I say good-bye to my 20's and hello to the doorstep toward Middle-Aged Land.
I know most ppl in my life who ARE over 30 are laughing at me, telling me to "come on in, the water's fine!"... I don't really have a choice BUT to come wade into the water.. I can't turn back time (and if it means being Cher, why would I want to?!BUT I digress..)
I have spent 12 months knowing tomorrow would come, and dreading it.
But I haven't been idle with my time.
I've done alot of things that I have wanted to do for years...
I am taking piano lessons, to learn an instrument (and I really enjoy it!)
I am actively trying to learn how to roller-skate! (yes, already fell!)
Yesterday I got a perm for the first time in my life.. and I DO love the way it looks! If I'm gonna get old, at least I can feel beautiful doing it...
You could say I've kinda had a mini-29-yr-old life crisis.
So much of what I have focused on this year has been "before I turn 30"...
But now that day is a mere 11hours away, and I look back over the last 12 months, and you know what??
Twenty-nine was a great year for me!!!
And I stop, catch a breath, think about all the ways I am truely blessed, and know that walking into my 30's,
well, I'm gonna be just fine.
I've found love... the kind that lasts a lifetime...
I've been blessed with these two amazing Elephants to watch and help grow...
I've got the basic necessities of life covered and don't want for anything truely necessary to life....
And most important, I've got my Savior to guide me on my journey.
Yes, I may be saying goodbye to a decade that holds a spectrum of amazing memories (college life, falling in love, marriage, babies, growing spiritually) but I am truely hopeful about the time AHEAD, knowing that "further up and further in," (see C.S. Lewis) is where the greater joy of this journey of life awaits.
I am getting old.
Tomorrow I turn 30...
And I can smile about that!

I saw myself tonite

We were sitting on the bench swing in the back yard while our kids ran around, barefoot in our yard, drawing with sidewalk chalk on the patio, swinging on the playset, etc.
I looked at my PE and my heart took a snapshot to remember.
Messy ponytail, tank top with a stain from dinner, chalk on one palm, shorts pulled back up just a bit crooked, barefoot, three little almost-healed bug bits from last week on her legs...
Instantly I was transported to summers of my childhood. Getting in the last few minutes of daylight right before dusk, in the cool of the day, carefree and running from one fun thing to the next. I didn't miss being a kid, persay, I just had a pang of nastagia for the innocence and worry-free times from back then.
People (the non-biased, honest ones) say that my PE is a carbon-copy of me. I saw tonite what I must have looked like on the cusp of turning 3, enjoying a summer evening in the backyard. And my heart was full.
How much the Lord has blessed me with, this full circle of seeing a reflection of me from the opposite perspective... to be the adult now, knowing the road of joys, struggles, pain, heartache, challenges, and adventures that I walked to get here, and I know my littlest love has all of that yet to walk.
I have a head full of prayers to pray for her, a heart full of hopes and dreams, and a moment tonite of pure bliss watching her delightful face.
Thank you, Lord, for the past that has shaped me, the present that blesses me, and the future ahead that amazes me.
I love my elephants. :)

Why the blog?

I've done the linky on Summer Jo's blog, so now I'm answering the question "Why did you start your blog?"

I didn't start blogging because I'm an amazing writer. Not because I support some amazing cause. Not because my family is incrediably unique and amazing. Not because I have something huge to say. I started this blog simply for the fun of sharing about my family and our "adventures" of daily life.
My son, Blue Elephant, absolutely loves elephants. I am not sure why or where the obsession came from, but he draws them, plays with them (uh, toys... we do not own an elephant) wants to BE one, asks if we can get a pet elephant.... its really cute, actually.
I was wracking my brain for a blog name, since I couldn't start without one... and I looked across the room where my son had built the words "Elephant Tales" out of connext (sp) blocks. Yes, he also will build the words out of blocks and spell them out with playdoh as well. (Did I mention he is 4?) If you haven't heard of it, Elephant Tales is the name of a movie... my BE's FAVORITE movie, of course. I thought to myself, "why not 'Elephant Tales'??" He is my "elephant" and these are the "tales" about our lives.
(Naturally, little sister became Pink Elephant to keep up continuity.) And that's about it, that's how my blog got it's name.
 I can't promise any fancy, themed posts or any kind of spiffy give-aways, but I can be honest about our lives. We love God, are beginning homeschool this fall, (excited!!) are very involved at church, and are branching out this year to become what I like to call "a pale shade of green"... we have a small strawbale garden in our yard, and we just started recycling.
I may not lead the most extravagent or amazing life, but I'm quite happy with it! :) I treasure each day with my Elephants.