Friday, December 28, 2012

New for New Years

I'm not a fan of resolutions. I don't keep them. When I've tried, I've failed miserably. So I decided to ditch them a few years ago. There are things I'd LIKE to begin doing, things I WANT to do differently this coming year....but nothing is set in stone. Nothing is staring me in the face, waiting for me to fail. Thats more motivating for me than setting myself up for pressure and expectations. It creates less stress. And if theres one thing I love, its less stress.

I've been worried as of late. I've been second-guessing myself in so many areas of life. I've been stressing out that I am just not doing this "life" thing the "proper" way. I've been certain my kids aren't learning all they should be in school.....that my efforts to help my son navigate life through the challenge of autism are for naught.....that I am not guiding my daughter on the path of womanhood in the way that will benefit her best....that I am not trying hard enough in my marriage.... I've just been sure that I'm "failing" at life.

I know where those ideas came from. I know who is putting them in my head. And I know at the heart of the matter that none of them are based on fact. Its one big ball of feeling inside of my gut. Gut feelings can suck. They make you feel all queasy and sick-ish inside. I don't like gut feelings. I've got to stop putting so much stock in them.....

I've been worried about my life. And my God has been putting little whispers of love and reassurance into each day. The kind words and actions of my daughter, the spontaneously awesome conversational skills my son will display, the quick kisses and wonderful compliments from my amazing husband....these are the things that are beginning to fill my heart. The words of encouragement that dear friends feel lead to tell me or write to me, not knowing why. These are the reminders of love that are replacing the fearful feelings.

Jesus loves me. He communicates love to me through my family's love toward me, and He loves me deeply in spite of my fears. He loves me in spite of my perceptions of failure. He lifts me up and holds me close, telling me that I am His, and that's enough. I must tune my heart to hear His voice, let Him drown out the lies from the enemy, and let His truth resonate in my heart. In Him, I cannot fail.

Seasons change, calendars flip, and the year passes by. The new year is ahead of us. I make no grandiose promises that I will be different. I make no "plan" of how to change. I simply sit at His feet and soak in the truth that though all the world around me is changing, though the days are passing by faster and faster each year, though there are things I simply won't ever understand having to be a part of my life and past, still there is HIM. Still, unwavering, unchanging, unshakable. There is a newness to each day when given the hope that there really are things that are predictable. There really is One who will never leave us, nor forsake us. As New Years approaches, I choose to dwell on that comforting truth- some things never change.

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